we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
