at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
