Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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