2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
