First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize