The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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