I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
