just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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