How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
3 2 1 whiskey
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
