When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
