just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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