Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
