Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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