: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
