NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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