I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Randomize
