I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
