i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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