I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
