there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
