my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize