If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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