is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
