I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
