i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
