my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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