I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Do you still have your period?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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