just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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