me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
