I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
