I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
