ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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