Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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