Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
