My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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