kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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