she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
