Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
