got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
did i just pee glitter
Randomize