this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
