i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
