Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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