What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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