All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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