You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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