she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
