Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
