I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
