She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
