And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
