listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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