she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
