I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
