He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
