Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
