then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
