He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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