I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
